Day 2869 – Day 2923
I’ve been going through a kind of awakening in the past few months (more on that in another post). As I’ve been awakening, my dream world has been changing. Some dreams are just nonsense, but there are dreams in our lives that are important and if we are on a path of soul work, we would be wise to pay attention.
The last dream I wrote about was about the Twin Flame and his play that made no sense to me. Analyzing that dream helped me to integrate many lessons and things have shifted in me and in my inner landscape.
The next dream I had was about my own talent as a writer. I dreamed that I was watching all the films that I had made during my time in the Creative Writing program and I realized that I was a pretty amazing writer. I have this experience when I come across old writing – whether it is a short story, a part of a novel, a play, film script or even my thesis for my Master’s degree about Children’s Rights and Mother to Child Transmission of HIV/Aids in the developing world. I’m a really good writer and I never give myself the credit that I deserve, to be honest. In this dream, I watched a film that I had made and I had a cameo appearance. The camera panned across the scene at ground level, and there I was, under a bombed out building, on a gurney, in some state of repose.
I feel like I’ve been in a coma for a long time. In my previous dream about the Twin Flame, I felt that I had awoken from a fugue state and I’m feeling that in so many ways, in my life, right now. My life has been difficult (a monumental understatement) for many years, now. Its been too much to take in. On some level, I have been in a kind of coma and partly, this has been self-induced but partly it has been by Grace that I have been numb to it all.
The dream seems affirming about who I have been and who I can be again. My ego was wounded by the Twin Flame when I sent him my writing and asked to do some work together. He just blanked me. I could see that he was reading my writing but the fact that he never responded to my offer left me feeling rejected and as if he thought my writing was crap. It hit a core wound in me, where I never felt affirmed in my family of origin and so it was difficult to really believe in myself. When he blanked me, the LACK of affirmation opened that wound and it took a couple of years to heal. I wondered why he kept coming back to read my stuff if he didn’t like it. Then I noticed that little bits of my writing would appear in some way, in his work. Whether that was consciously done, or not, I felt not only hurt, but exploited.
My dream also reveals that my family of origin (with whom I am now again enmeshed) left me feeling that my soul was unsafe and needed to be put into a coma in that dystopian world, to await a safer time to re-animate. In the dream, I am the watcher, the storyteller, and a part of the story all at once. It is a metaphor for the revelation of meditation. It is an empowering dream of how we can create our own reality and how it is still just a story. As long as I’m on this planet, playing a part on this plane of existence, it is time to build a world in which I can awaken.
I’ve been ruminating on what comes next for me, in life – the story I want to tell. I’ve been thinking about which of my many skills I want to trade in the next phase of my career. I am feeling compelled to edit and publish some of my work. I need to spend some time on my writing. Storytelling is an ancient part of my spiritual tradition.
Another part of me has been thinking of going back into Sustainability and development. Its been awhile since I’ve done that work so I’ve been working on updating my skills. Perhaps I am feeling a little insecure about it because in my next dream, I attended my convocation ceremony in the UK. My luggage did not arrive and so I had to go to the ceremony in jeans and a baseball cap. But, I was hugging old friends from the London School of Economics and feeling happy. When I arrived, however, I noticed the Twin Flame was sitting in the far upper left hand (the past) seat of the bleachers, also in jeans and he was wearing an orange baseball cap. In my dream, I noticed he was there but I turned away, sat down and ignored him.
I think the dream was a kind of transition dream. I am preparing myself for a change and whether it happens in a month or a year, it is already in motion. I’m not happy that the face of the so called Twin Flame is still a part of my dreamscapes but if he represents my inner masculine, then when I fully integrate that aspect of myself, he will no longer appear – in the corner or not. My inner masculine will just be a part of me.
If there is such a thing as Twin Flames and if he is visiting me on the dream plane, then no matter how two souls might be connected, a married man – as long as he is married – has no place in my life or in my dreams. If this is a dream-plane visit, eventually, he will see that he can’t get past my boundary. He will get bored of being on the edges and quit visiting my bed.
At the level of analysis, the dream probably represents some trepidation I have about this possible career path. I remember feeling frustrated that, at a time when governments and businesses still had the chance to limit the impacts of climate change, many placed their focus on how to harness the inevitability of climate change to their advantage. It was so disheartening.
In my next and most recent dream, I was given a positive message about a third career option I have considered and I was offered a choice of three necklaces (three different paths in my life?) and the most beautiful one was made from “medieval chemistry.” (I think this is what we might call Alchemy) I commented that although I had started University as a physics major, I had gotten frustrated with the memorization of chemistry. I wanted to understand how things worked on a subatomic level, not simply memorize the chemical formula for Salt or Hydrochloric Acid. Chemistry turned me off, and so I switched my major from Science (that is all true, in my real life).
The so called Twin Flame was an unseen presence hovering around the edges and I could feel him judging me about my experience with Chemistry. I went to pay for the necklace but I had to buy gold to do it. I ordered a Science stock and 100 pounds of gold (a metaphor for the alchemical transformation)and then realized I’d made a typo. I didn’t have that kind of cash to settle the trade – I thought it might be around $9000 (more like several million dollars). Suddenly, the building started to crumble around me and everything started melting. I ran outdoors and grabbed onto a lamp-post as everything around me melted into a pool of molten lava. I watched the Universe implode around me. A man, in a scuba suit, swam up and held onto the same post with me. I got a message that my cross-platform trade had caused an error and this prompted the end of the Universe.
In real life, I have observed that this so called Twin Flame is sometimes very judgmental but I think his judgement in the dream is the part of me that feels guilty that I couldn’t do more to stop climate change. The judgement comes from the inner masculine responsible for taking action. The man in the scuba suit was not the Twin Flame and may be a new face of my inner masculine. As well as being the force of action in one’s psyche, the inner masculine is also the protector.
The night before this dream, I was feeling grief that we are already seeing so many of the predicted impacts of climate change. I fear we going to see some of the worst impacts within my lifetime and they could be catastrophic. We are still working with a consumption and profit paradigm and aren’t willing to make radical change. I think I am mourning the opportunities missed in the past and recognizing the possible futility of returning to the field when the paradigm has not shifted.
I’m not sure what it all means but I was clinging to “the light” (God) as I watched the end. While I’m still exploring my options for what is next in my career, I believe my soul is telling me that the real work that I need to do in the next part of my life is spiritual and monumental. It is a hint at soul transformation and Storytelling is probably a part of it and so may be the third life path that came to me in the dream.
My dream space has been extremely potent. Last year, while my sister was still alive, I dreamed that she, her husband and I were on the banks of the River Thames (a metaphor for the River Styx? For baptism? For the rituals of Varanasi?).
The so called Twin Flame came whirling down the river towards us as a massive storm made of light. Perhaps the lost opportunity to be a part of one another’s lives and the times he hurt me were just the beginning of a storm of transformation and awakening.
As that storm, the Twin Flame was perhaps a metaphor for the dervish or for Shiva, the destroyer of worlds. In the outer world, it is my sister who died, but on the inner, perhaps, it is my own death to ego that is being offered.
If my soul has been in a fugue state or a self-induced coma, I look forward to what these dreams may awaken in me.