Day 2343 – Day 2357
About a year ago I started noticing repeating number patterns and specifically the number 11:11. In the New Age world there is a belief that this represents the presence of one’s Twin Flame, in one’s life. What a Twin Flame really is and whether they really exist, I don’t know. I do know that there was someone who felt very familiar that had appeared and was taking up a lot of my headspace at that time. He continues to occupy some headspace but not in the same way.
At first, I was attracted to him. And then I developed a crush on him. And then I grew to feel that he was a burden. I kept asking myself and the Universe: Why am I stuck with this bonehead for a Twin Flame?
Admittedly, I see a lot to dislike in his behaviour. I was charmed by him but charm can be deceiving. And it was probably this pattern of narcissism which was familiar, not some form of woo-woo mystical connection. Watching what he actually did, and not always what he said, I grew to lose respect for him and I questioned his trustworthiness. When I had joked that he was a 2.0 version and took my mind off the previous man (who was certainly narcissistic, if not worse), I already knew what I could expect, even if I would not yet admit it. He left me feeling rejected and hurt and round round we go, again. So familiar.
In the beginning, I dreamed of him and it was sweet. As the rose-coloured glasses started to slip, I continued to dream of him but the dreams were at first, ambivalent and finally, downright dark.
What is a Twin Flame? Apparently, the theory is that it is your own soul in another human form. I don’t buy that idea. But what is interesting to me is that there is a sense, with a Twin Flame, that you are looking in the mirror. He’s not a reflection of me, but he reveals the contours of something that I could only catch a glimpse of, with these men 1.0 and 2.0. In a way, I felt like I could read him like a book, and he was familiar. And in another way, what I was reading was the familiar.
We all look in the mirror and focus on the positive: our eye colour, the cute haircut we’ve gotten, the virtues that we uphold in the world. What we try not to see are the warts, the ugliness and the darkness in our own psyches and the way we willingly fit together with a puzzle piece that has jagged edges that will make us bleed. How can we see into that darkness? Dreams provide a clue. Life patterns provide a clue. And perhaps whatever this thing they call a Twin Flame provides another clue.
Each of us is a being of light and an ogre in the shadows. We are upright citizens and we are liars, thieves and murderers. We have the potentiality of all of these things within us. The more we repress the darkness, the more we project it onto others and say – see how horrible that person is, see how horribly they behaved! Look at how they victimize me! And as we focus outward on their savagery we can fool ourselves that it does not exist within ourselves and that we are not an active participant in the game.
I am grateful for this person in my life. I’m not grateful for their bad behaviour or for the way they have mistreated me and others. I am, however, grateful for the role that he is playing in my spiritual development. He provides for me a metaphor for all the things which I cannot and will not (at least so far) accept about myself. In my most recent dream, he was a tornado that was coming to destroy me. But, he was made of light.
When we begin to confront our shadow selves, it is dangerous. We invite the trickster, the thief, and the wildman into our lives and we must find a way to dance with their energies in a creative, rather than a destructive way. We also must let go of the idea of who we are and make room for all of the archetypes, not just the saint, but also the sinner. Shining light on the dark places creates a storm of transformation.
And now, the real work begins. I can’t say if I have any impact on him but he certainly continues to embody a whole lot of psychic energy in my life. I suspect that, for my part, at the end of this work, I will find that he and I are not so different, after all, and what I needed to make myself whole will be found in dreamwork. Our soul work will be done. 11:11.
For what are you most grateful, today?