Day 2202 – Day 2210
My apartment sits in the flight path of thousands of geese. Every August, I begin to feel the familiar melancholy of the end of the Canadian summer and the oncoming gloom of the rains. What heralds this change is the sight of geese, flying in formation over my deck. Lately, I’ve wondered if the geese are drunk. They fly in formation, heading west. Then a formation returns a half an hour later, heading south, south-east. A few times the warm air has deceived them into flying north. I sit with my coffee on my deck, or working at my desk by my 10-foot living room window, watching and wondering at how they are a metaphor for life.
Whenever change is approaching, I feel it. Sometimes I feel it for a year before it happens. Change has certainly taken us all by storm this year, but what I’m talking about is inner change and the outward manifestation of moving house across the world, starting a new career, falling in love, or embarking on an advanced degree. All of these are choices that we make, when we are ready to make them. Before we are ready, we might feel like the drunk geese, flying in circles, trying to float on the updrafts and feel the currents that will take us to our next destination.
From my last post, you might think I’m sworn off love. That is not true. I certainly have a strong focus on the love of the Divine and I’m a crazy romantic who loves love. I think that what I am doing, however, is slowing down and watching the updrafts that tend to push me in particular directions. I’m slowing down and looking for south. I’m trying to feel for the currents that will take me to the man who wants to be challenged to be his best self; the currents that will take me to the man who will inspire and challenge me to be my best self and who will love me and be committed to working together with me to grow from the ways in which we will inevitably trigger one another as we stretch to develop ourselves and to reach our full potential – financially, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Right now, all I am is a drunken goose flying in circles and waiting for that certain moment when I will know the direction and then – only then – will change manifest.
Friends who have known me for years will know that my life often takes them by surprise. Suddenly, I will announce that I’m moving across the world – next week. They will attest to the fact that maybe I’ve pondered something for up to a decade, and they never thought it would happen. What wasn’t apparent was that I was waiting for the defining moment. Some moments never come and all that pondering was just wondering. But when that defining moment comes, it is fleeting and I’ve learned to grab that updraft and fly. Yes, life can take a decade for change to manifest. I’m hoping that this flight pattern I am in will change soon. I’m hoping that I will be able to see my way of being in a relationship manifest in a profoundly changed way. I have certainly been doing my own inner work for a very long time.
Recently, I had – I’m not sure what to call it – a falling out (?) with a man that I care about. The exact nature of that caring is a bit nebulous as I don’t really know him. But I do care about him; that is certain. He has dream-walked with me many times, but after this thing happened between us, he only speaks to me, in my dreams, through his friends. In waking life, there has been an uncomfortable vibe between us and after a few weeks, I decided to take space. When I did, the vibe got worse.
He dream-walked again, during the time when I took space. This time, I was in a foreign prison and he was the warden. He appeared as a wild-haired version of himself speaking a language that I know was a signal that this dream was “important” emotionally, and spiritually. In the dream, he shouted at me. For infractions I had not known that I had committed, and that I did not even know were considered “infractions,” I was condemned to a slow death; ostracized to live out the rest of my days alone on the rooftop, with no shelter.
Since I was a child, I have vowed to never be the prisoner of any relationship or any man. As an adult, I would add that this applies even to my own shadow masculine self. The inner masculine is goal directed and active. He protects the feminine. The shadow masculine is destructive and abuses power. Since I had this disturbing dream, I have been working on inviting the shadow masculine to be a part of my life in a creative way. I’ve been looking for ways to work with power in affirming ways.
I decided to write a letter to the dream walker so that I could put to rest this disagreement. It carries apology for my part, forgiveness for his, and a purposeful statement of my own value and my own expectation of mutual respect. It might seem small but it is a shift in the wind and currents of my life. I am always the peace maker but I make peace by taking on the entire burden of a situation, without setting my boundaries. That was what was required, in ancient dynamics but it has kept me a prisoner, perched on the roof, unable to fly.
Things in flight are changed the moment it takes flight in a chosen direction. The place we leave will forever be changed by our absence but the destination remains unchanged and full of potential until that thing, which is in flight, has landed. Through the act of making amends and forgiving, I am free of my prison and have taken flight. What happens to the warden, when my letter lands, is in his hands. I care for him and so I pray that he finds a way to release himself from that prison of resentment or fear or whatever he has used to construct it. Perhaps he will choose to fly with me to a new destination, but if he cannot, I hope he finds his freedom, nonetheless.
I’m grateful for the lessons of nature and for the metaphor they afford me as I sit, watching. I could have easily flown west or north as I have, in the past, only to find I need to correct my course, never truly finding the direction I need. I am aloft, and even as the calendar brings change to the natural world, I glide, patiently, waiting for the currents in the air to show me which direction is south and the destination where I will find my new home.
For what are you most grateful, today?