Day 460. I remember 60 days ago waking up and being impatient to reach my goal. And then I occurred to me: I was wishing my life away.
When we’re young, we want to be older. Then when we are in our twenties, we want to graduate, get a job, an apartment and “things”. In our thirties, we want to make “a future together” and to settle down and have babies. Come our forties, we look back and we want to hold on to our youth, our wrinkle-free skin, and our figure, but life just isn’t cooperating anymore. All our lives, it seems, we want to be somewhere else. And in thinking of the past or thinking of the future, we are never fully present in the only moment we have: now.
The past couple of years, I have had to begin to learn to accept that goals which were once achievable, are not currently possible. Things I used to be able to do, I can’t. Sometimes, where we are is very uncomfortable and being there gives us a sense of being “stuck.” I am grateful that I spoke to my friend, TCBC this weekend, and she reminded me that where I am right now is not where I will be forever.
As I have alluded to before, I recently broke my own heart by falling for a man too soon. I am rather introspective and I take every difficulty as an opportunity to find meaning. And we all know that love – even when it fails – is a beautiful hell. I am grateful that I am still able to love, whole heartedly.
And not to always look for the big things, let me just say that I am grateful for my warm kitchen today. I am grateful that I have a place where I can roast vegetables and am grateful for the wonderful smell of them cooking.
It was a joy today to spend some time preparing food for myself that is healthy and to treat myself with nurturing care.
I had a chat this evening with both of my flat mates. My flat mates are both from Paris – one of them had two friends who escaped that concert hall with their lives. It was good to hear about their weekends and to talk about happy things instead of terrorism. Life in the flat is finding a new normal and feeling a sense of Oneness can sometimes be as simple as that.
Despite feeling physically stuck, these subtle, internal shifts have also led me to start to try to make plans again. Today, I started to make some inquiries and plans for a bit of volunteer service in the weeks ahead.
Plans are great, and action is invigorating, but I am grateful for the reminder to enjoy the process and not just the goal. The greatest gift in all the pain of feeling stuck is the ability to simply experience and accept what is.
So, I turn it over to you, now:
For what are you grateful today?