I am having trouble writing about gratitude and joy when I see photos of refugee children sleeping in the forest as winter approaches and uneasy country alliances forming to “combat terror.” The world has a very short memory and history seems poised to repeat itself – again.
If I let myself dwell on it, I would never stop crying.
And so, rather than dwell on fear and hatred, I have continued to connect with people in pain and in that oneness, to send healing. And in that service, I find myself being healed, as well.
The outer world has gone crazy and so I have turned to the inner world. I feel completely out of sync with the world around me and I am okay with that. I don’t want to be in sync with much of what I see.
Yesterday I went to the seaside and one heck of a storm was coming in. The wind was howling, the waves were crashing and the almighty power of nature was unleashing her wrath upon us.
I laughed and I screamed and I raised my arms and turned to face the wind. I am a sailor, an air sign and my rising sign is a water sign. There is nowhere I feel better than with the wind and the water. I was in my element(s) and I felt wild and free.
There is so much fear mongering and apocalyptic talk out there. And the thing is…if the end of the world is coming…I am going down screaming with delight. I am grateful to Mother Nature for such a wonderful and joyous day!
On Monday night, I got to see my friend, N-. She was in Paris during the attacks and I was so grateful relieved to hold her and see her well. I am grateful that we got to spend the evening together at a Sofar sounds event where Josh Savage was playing.
Neither of us had ever been to one of these concerts and I wanted to see Josh play so we got ourselves on the guest list. It was a really great evening of music in a one night pop up venue and I am grateful that we got to experience it together. My friend mentioned that she was beginning to get the exaggerated startle response on hearing sirens, following the trauma of Paris. I advised her to conquer that by going back to Paris as soon as she could. Since she is leaving, (moving away) there isn’t time. And so…this had to be the best we could do.
Josh dedicated the show to the city in which he grew up – Paris and opened the show with Lost in Paris. We sang the bridge together and, like the meditation in the rain in Trafalgar Square, N- and I shared a moment under heightened circumstances, and the imprint will remain with me always.
I am grateful for that moment because soon she is moving away and so it was our last evening together until…who knows…
I am grateful for our friendship. I am grateful I got assigned to audit revenue and she was the new accountant at the client all those years ago. I am grateful that we both struggled together through that audit and bonded over late night sessions of explaining fluctuations in revenue cycles. And I am grateful we were both in crap relationships at the time and bonded over the worst Valentine’s Day we had either of us had. I am pretty sure that was 2005. I am grateful for the ups and the downs in our friendship and for an entire decade of love. I look forward to another decade of long distance catch ups and visiting on new continents. I wish her so much happiness and I am grateful that she endured the discomfort of an overly long goodbye hug so that I could invoke symbols of protection and give her a full blessing.
I am grateful that, last night, I got to meet an artist whose work I recently purchased. I met someone this year who represented for me so much of what I want in a partner. Alas, I am not what they are looking for. So, I put it out to the universe what I wanted – all the qualities of the person I knew, in a more receptive package. And there he was, last night, sitting before me. I had to laugh. I had forgotten to stipulate one important thing: “Available” and that is the first requirement, for me.
We talked for four hours although it was the first time we had met. We talked about brownies, America, PTSD, foreign languages, ex-partners, death, Yves Klein International Blue, How I Met Your Mother, World Cup Football, Meisner and Method acting techniques and waffles. We talked about anything and everything.
I was excited because here was the guy I asked for, sitting right in front of me. All I need to do is get a bit more specific on the essentials.
And meeting him, I realised, at a deeper level than before, that I am a pretty amazing woman, capable of holding my own with pretty amazing men. (Even if my ass is fat and my hair is grey) I have been happy as a single woman. I am not going to give up my independence lightly, again.
Buoyed by the feeling that The Person I met earlier in the year was not the last person I could forsee myself being with (admit it: we ALL go through THAT phase of heartache), a weight was lifted off my heart.
Walking home, listening to Indian/techno/dance beats, I decided to dance on the side of the highway with the wind as my partner. I twirled with love and with joy, as the dervishes had taught me to do. My Divine Beloved replaced the wind as my partner.
Oh I know I looked mad, but the whole world has gone mad.
If I could choose any partner to dance with me through the end of the world, it would be only the Divine Beloved.
And so I turn it over to you:
For what are you grateful, today?