Writing about day 383 and 384 at the same time is like trying to write a summary of sunshine and peanut butter. Not opposites but very different days. Saturday was a difficult day. I struggled to write. I am feeling uncomfortable, unfocused and maybe even a bit…confused? I don’t even know.
I was invited out for a party in the evening and part of me really wanted to go and another part of me knew that I would be horrible company and that I would also be being inauthentic in going out and smiling and being cheerful. Going to parties is fun but tiring at the best of times, for me. Being inauthentic adds another layer of energy expenditure and I just didn’t want to do it. I got as far as showering and laying out some clothes to wear and then I texted my friend and told him I just couldn’t make it. My cousin’s death has been sitting heavy with me. She was two years younger than I am. It makes me think of what it is that is lacking in my life and in my goals. I also have a new friend who is a photographer and I look at him and see a man who just seems so focused and so full of ideas. He has had several shows, has had media attention and really seems to know how to make a success of what he is doing. I kind of feel unfocused, unproductive and lacking in direction. I don’t know how that happened. I had a focus a few weeks ago.
Things have just gotten delayed over and over again and I got a bit disheartened. I am also disheartened because even when I do have great and exciting ideas racing around in my head, the mind is willing – the body is weak. I just feel frustrated with my pace and in some ways, there isn’t anything I can do about it. Sometimes just writing these posts exhausts me and I have to rest. I’m really bloody tired of it.
So…Saturday was not a good day all in all and I just decided to go to bed after showering, instead of going out. I think I was in bed at 7:30 pm. Rock and Roll.
Sunday was a little different. I knew I had to get out and be with people but I tried my hand at writing again. I ended up with around 3000 words of meandering spew. Somewhere in the middle of it was this line which sums up how I feel about all my writing, right now:
“I’m not sure what this meandering writing is really all about”
There is a certain amount of being lost in the dark that happens with writing. But seriously. I just want to throw my computer at a wall…I can’t organize my thoughts, I can’t seem to think of anything interesting to say and I certainly have lost my command of the English language. Damn I used to be a good writer. I think maybe its time for me to try my hand at something else. I mean…maybe I should write in a different style or genre and see what happens. Writing articles based on my own musings is just not happening.
So, without smashing my computer, I set aside writing yesterday and went out to a couple of art exhibitions. I kept running into Cg- down on the Southbank which is funny because I had just been thinking of him. I hope he and Jsr- and I will meet up again soon. I enjoyed seeing Anatomix at Tribe 15 and I ran into Londoncallingblog and StreetArtAtlas on their way out. But, I really wasn’t up for interacting with people yet so I just went around and looked at the artworks. I found a couple of new artists whose work I really liked and a photographer with an unusual eye.
This was my favourite piece of the day, by Roger de Casanove
Afterwards I just sat on the Southbank listening to music on my iPad and tuning out while being in the world. I am in a weird mood right now. I feel all unbalanced and unsettled and not in a good way. I feel – uncomfortable.
I had promised to attend another gallery opening that evening for the unveiling of a wall by Anna Laurini. I like her very much so I was looking forward to seeing her despite the trek to North London and after getting lost a few times trying to find the place, I had a few words with Anna who was the star of the show and a very popular lady – and again, I was delighted to run into StreetArtAtlas. We spent the rest of the evening chatting. I seem to have a lot of men around me and for a long time I missed having men in my life but now I seem unbalanced in that regard and I like talking to other women, particularly those who are not ‘typical’ for our age group. Anna and StreetArtAtlas fit that criteria and are fun women. For a little bit of my day, I actually felt – comfortable.
A sample of Anna’s sketches similar to her street pasteups…on display…they sold quickly so was lucky to get a shot… I am sure @annalauriniblue has a few more tucked away, if you want one. #annalaurini #contemporaryart #sketches #cubism #painting #womenpainters #streetart #londonstreetart #dalston #stokey #graff #graffiti #rsa_graffiti #dsb_graff #dopeshotbro #tv_streetart #exhibition A photo posted by Tania Campbell (@pinkstarpix) on
The evening turned out to be fun and it was a nice respite from myself. This morning? Well, I feel weird again – unsettled, uncomfortable, irritable. Something needs my attention and if I don’t figure out what it is, I’m sure it will rear its head in a way that will force me to notice. For now, I need to just muster up some energy to get some pieces written that I have been planning and put down the camera for awhile. I also better get out and meet people a little more because they take me out of myself.
I feel like I’m in my own way, somehow.
1 I am grateful for all the great art and art events in the city. I used to go only to the big museums and wasn’t in the know about what is happening in contemporary art but all it takes is a couple of mailing lists and a few friends on Facebook and soon you see where everyone is going and soon you can go, as well. I would like to think that my friends don’t mind that I sign up to the same things they do. To be honest, they never run into me there because I’m not a person who goes with others to an event. I will see you there, perhaps, but I am much more content to just do as I please and go when and where the mood and energy levels strike me.
2 I am grateful that I had a chance to catch up with StreetArtAtlas last night. We laughed a lot and shared some good dirt on ourselves which we will each take to our graves.
3 I am grateful that my sister face timed me on Saturday. It was nice catching up with her. I was meant to face time her last night when I got in but by the time I got home it was after midnight and I was just too tired to talk any more. I hope I can catch her today.
Joy – It was a joy to take home my piece by Anna Laurini. The title is Abstract Joy and it is an abstract piece. Anna is someone so full of joy! I like her abstract pieces and when I saw the title, I had to have it because – of what I know of her way of working – the title and the piece really reflects what she was experiencing when she painted it. I am delighted to have a piece that was created in a moment of joy and to invite more joy into my home. I am so grateful that I was able to acquire it. A photo from the artist’s instagram account:
Abstract Joy Acrylics on canvas 60x8ocm Is now available for toi A photo posted by Anna Laurini (@annalauriniblue) on
Oneness – I always feel something bigger than myself when I’m looking at art. I think that is why, perhaps, I like to go look at it on my own. I go into a different part of the brain that doesn’t want to carry on conversation. I’m in my more feeling and intuitive self in those moments and I find that just looking at interesting art is a refreshing experience for me. I’m grateful for all the artists who make it possible and if I were rich, I’d own a gallery and have a huge art collection of my own.
Service – I enjoyed photographing the art yesterday and posting it to my followers. One of the artists said they’d be nothing without promotion on Instagram. One of the other photographers had a good point: We’d be nothing without the artist. We’d be stuck photographing flowers. I thought it was a nice example of how service goes around in a circle.
Nothing really earth shattering here, folks, but some times you’re just trying to get through it.
For what are you grateful, today?