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Ten Thousand Days

A Time of Homecoming

March 2, 2017

Gratitude, Joy, Oneness, Service, and Purpose (Day 983 – Day 1013)

I am grateful to Terrence and to Tonia who gave me the themes of today’s post, because I was struggling to get outside of myself and find a thread on which I could hang a narrative.

I was reminded recently that it has been just over six months since I came ‘home.’


If you have been reading this website, you will know that ‘Home’ is a difficult concept for me.  I have lived away from my family and my country of origin for most of my life and certainly, nearly all of my adult life.

By the time I was 12, I had lived in something like 10 different homes.  I lived in a nuclear family and by the time I was six that family started to disassemble itself, like a jigsaw puzzle that was completed for only a moment before being taken apart.  And slowly, the picture crumbled.  First a sister left, then a father, then another sister.  And soon it was my mother and me, alone.  And then my mother died.

‘Home’ has been a longing of mine and simultaneously a place I felt was always just beyond my reach.

I found myself loving a young man, and we shared a longing for a sense of belonging and a romantic sense of family.  For a flash of an instant, I thought we had found an eternal sense of homecoming with one another.  Some might call that the recognition of a soul mate; a memory of someone within someone in a time beyond time.

The thing about time is that there is the time that is measured in the lifespan of a body and the time that is measured in the lifespan of a soul.

I walk a spiritual path that demands we remain in this world, but not of it.  We keep one foot in the time that is corporeal and the other in the time that is eternal.  And, in a sense, we are in all times, at once.  But knowing how to navigate this, if our eyes and our hearts have been opened to another world, is not easy.

I knew I would be leaving London but I stalled, because the young man had promised he would return home to London and I could not bear the thought of never seeing him again in this lifetime.  I waited for the young man while the old man waned, and in the end, he never came.  So, I came ‘Home’ to Canada to spend time with my father and found a way to rekindle a long-distance friendship with the young man.

We have so many expectations of family and what it means to be family.  We change, we grow up, and we grow apart.  Inside of us is that child that we once were, or that parent that we want to be.  But we are so much more.  Nobody tells you that you have to live with all these ghosts as you try to live in the here, and dwindling moments of the now.  We want to say and do all the things we need to say and do before our time runs out.

My father’s heart is delicate – not just emotionally – but simply by virtue of his age.   I wish I could be his little girl again, but that time has gone.  He has grandchildren now and they are his light and his life.   I try not to burden him with my troubles.  I’m not his little girl, and I’m not his grandchild.  But, time with him has allowed me to be tender with him in a way that a parent is with their child. Time has a way of turning things around.

When the young man suddenly ended our relationship, I was on my way to my father’s office.  I grabbed hold of my startled father and cried.

As my tears watered my father’s starched white shirt, I was, again, his little girl.  I hadn’t been his little girl since I was about five years old.  Following the example of my teenage sister, I told him I was too old for hugs and cuddling and I didn’t let him hold me any more, despite wishing I didn’t have to be a big girl to gain my sister’s favour.  We take for granted so much in life and if only I had known how short my time as daddy’s little girl would be, I would have held on tight to him and let my sister go play with the big kids.  And, had I known how short my time with the young man would be, I would have done all I could to complete my purpose in his life and our karma together.

But, for just an instant – in what was possibly our last Christmas together – I was able to come home again to the little girl who ran away from her daddy, who ran away from ‘home’ and who has run all her life into the arms of men who could not or would not hold her.  For an instant, I came home and found a man who had once  loved me, held me and given me a home.

I am grateful that I got to return to being my daddy’s little girl and to crawl into his lap one last time.

We also have many expectations of what love should be.  When we feel drawn to someone and it feels karmic, we can so easily place a narrative on it, and  take that magnetic pull for granted, believing that nothing could tear it apart.  Karma can only be resolved if we work at it with intention. We may be given the opportunity, but free will is the catch.

About a month ago, I had a session with a long-distance healer that came highly recommended by a friend.  She told me that she was removing the karmic debt between me and the young man.  For a few hours I felt a joyful relief and I was grateful for that respite. But, in my heart, I just feel that there is no short-cutting karma.  In Buddhism and Hinduism, from which the concept of karma comes, nobody can remove our karma but ourselves.  It can be removed by Grace, but if there is such a thing as Grace, I am pretty faithful that it comes only from the Divine.

In my heart, I know THIS is not over.  I don’t say that with hope.  I say it with painful certainty.  Despite wanting to release one another, new karmas have been created that, without intentional work, will be binding.  Whether it resolves in this lifetime or not, whether it happens in the flesh or only in spirit, I will know that THIS is complete only when it is completed.

Ideally, for those of us on a spiritual path and those of us who believe in the concept of karma, we would like to complete as many relationships as possible in this lifetime so that we neither tie ourselves, nor our loved ones to a cycle of death and rebirth.  And, it is for this that I have come home, after all these years.  I know my relationship with my father is also not complete.

Yesterday marked the start of Lent in the Christian tradition.  The story goes that Jesus went into the desert to fast and to pray and to face trials and to be purified for achieving his purpose and death.  Following in that tradition, I have chosen to go home to the solitude of the deepest chambers of my heart and to a sense of Oneness with the Beloved that dwells and burns within the heart of hearts.   One of my highest purposes in this lifetime is to love.  Love does not hold on to another.  Love, if it is love, frees the beloved so that they can move on in this life or beyond it.  Dedicating this time to meditation and contemplation around my relationships is service to that purpose.

The only homecoming that truly has meaning is found in the deepest chambers of the heart that, broken, burning and bleeding, continues to beat with love, now and throughout time.


For what are you most grateful, right now?


Ten Thousand Days

Virtual Reality

January 17, 2017

Photo: Samuel Zeller

Gratitude, Joy, Oneness and Service (Day 953 – Day 969)

We walk around every day thinking the world we see is real.  We make decisions based on thoughts and feelings.  Many of us never question whether our feelings and our thoughts reflect the truth of the situation.  Our feelings and thoughts are the barometer of what is happening outside of ourselves.  They are our virtual reality.

If I’m having a feeling about which I have discomfort, there is undoubtedly a thought that will go with it.  If I am kept waiting for my friend Johnny for 20 minutes I may start to feel hurt.  “He is so irresponsible and he always keeps me waiting,” I may think.  And the thoughts continue:  “If he was my friend, he would know that I hate being kept waiting.  He doesn’t care about my feelings.  He is not my friend.  That’s it, it’s over.”  And hurt turns to rage.   Perhaps there was an accident on the highway.  Perhaps he got a call from his agent and landed that giant part in the major motion picture he’s been waiting for.  Maybe he was comforting a friend.  And maybe he just lost track of time.  It is highly unlikely that Johnny was sitting at home dreaming up ways of demonstrating disrespect.  And yet…our thoughts (if we really listen) sound something like this, much of the time.

We can get caught in endless spirals of negative thinking and blame and shame or equally, we can get hooked into idealization by the same external locus of control.  We replay these stories every time we are triggered.  Johnny is late again and that means he is trying to make us angry.  Jane is late – well, she’s just like Johnny, was and so she must be discarded as well.  And so it goes.

We construct stories about our world and our relation to it out of these thoughts and feelings.  Our stories create the narrative that explains our life and integrates our sensory experience.  Then we say that what is happening out there  created our feelings in here.  


When the would-be paramour created a fiery inferno, he did so with angry accusations.  I felt victimized and outraged.  I am none of the things that he said I am.  What is true is that he was upset.  What is true is that he associated those feelings with me.  What is not true is that I created these feelings or that a true story about me can be constructed solely from his feelings and thoughts.  My actions may have triggered his response but to know whether the story fits, one would have to look into my intentions.

Even good intentions can create distress in someone because of their own associations. We must take responsibility for our words and deeds and make amends where we have intentionally or unintentionally caused harm.  Most of us don’t want to cause distress and so, where we can, we alter behaviour to ease someone’s suffering.   But our actions, words, or very being can never create the suffering that is in someone else’s head or heart.  We don’t have that power.  The suffering belongs to the sufferer alone and it is created by the attachment to the story.

We all get fooled by the ego; it is a trickster.

This weekend I let the ego take the decks and spin the soundtrack of my life for a little while.  I heard from the would-be paramour and there were things I didn’t like about his email.  I had a lot of thoughts about it. My thoughts became feelings that fed further thoughts and on and on into an endless spiral.  And in the end, I was angry and decided his character was ‘X’, and I responded to him from my certainty that he was that.  Ego never paves the way for harmony and peace.  My response probably triggered thoughts and feelings on his end.  And so we enter the endless loop of suffering and illusion that never leads to Truth.

If we take the Buddhist approach to life, then our thoughts, feelings, intentions and stories are all just the material which ego uses to create this virtual reality in which our souls incarnate.  Emotions and thoughts are constantly in flux and are not a part of our true and eternal selves.  Ego tricks us into writing stories that become our narrative and our narrative is how we perceive ‘reality.’ We live our lives in this illusion of virtual reality – what the Buddhists call maya – often never being aware that we had the power to tear it away and live in Truth.

My feelings and thoughts created a story about the would-be paramour.  That story is part of a narrative of victimhood.   If I can not prevent myself from being caught up in ego as I play my part on the stage that is this incarnation, I have to wonder if my soul really needs that narrative of suffering any more,  or whether I can question my thoughts and feelings to create new stories and a more joyful and useful narrative for this virtual reality.

I am grateful that I had a weekend away with a dear friend who held space for me to process this event.  I drew an angel card from her bowl when I arrived, to set my task for the weekend.  I drew “integrity.”  Integrity means to act with complete honesty and uprightness but it also means to be whole and undivided.  I am grateful for the focus this gave me.

Honesty led me to realize that I was doing to him the same thing that he had been done to me.   I was creating stories based solely on my feelings and thoughts without recourse to checking his intention.  We are all One when we are our highest and most loving selves but we are also One in our pettiness.  I am grateful for the reminder that to get caught in ego is to be divided from our true nature.  And so, to live in integrity, my service this week was to examine my thoughts and feelings  and to let go of my attachment to the story of suffering.  It is a joy to be free of it.

What I think or feel about him is of no consequence to his soul.  What he thinks of or feels about me is not relevant to my soul.  But if I choose to believe the best of him, I may just end up with a more peaceful narrative.

I’m not saying we should deny our thoughts and feelings or stay in abusive situations.  But if our old stories have written a lifetime of victimhoood, it may well be that new events are labelled abusive only because it is  filtered through our thoughts and feelings in such a way that it can create a story that will not disrupt our view of reality.  We can’t control the event. We can only control our interpretation and response.

What I am suggesting is that we keep questioning our thoughts, feelings, stories and yes, even our intentions, and seek another way of seeing the event, the story, and to look for alternate realities.  Simply through this act, we can break free of the cycle of karma that is like an automatic loop, a groove in the record that keeps us spinning in circles of endless negativity, victimhood, rose-coloured fantasy or whatever it is that our past experiences have carved into our souls to be healed.

If there is any meaning in the pain we feel as incarnated beings, it is to recognize that we have a choice in constructing this virtual reality of incarnation.  Like a 90’s raver, we can either move unconsciously to the beat of an endless loop, or we can dance our Divine nature.


For what are you most grateful this week?

Ten Thousand Days

Gratitude, Joy, Oneness and Service (Day 427)

October 20, 2015
Photo: Leonie Wise

Photo: Leonie Wise

I have decided to take a few minutes today again to reflect on my bounty.  Yesterday I was irritable and angry and just generally a witch. I haven’t felt like that in a long while and it was not pleasant – for me or for those around me. Yes, there is a lot going on in my life and a lot of turmoil but that is exactly when we need to embrace our practices. Along with a cold, I am fighting off an emotional flu. I was just saying to a friend that our capacity for suffering is, to a large extent, innate but that our capacity for joy is largely learned. I remember reading that, somewhere. Actually, the finding was that negative thinking is determined by birth but our capacity for positivity can be stretched with practice. Clearly, practice is important, for me.

I went to the grocery store late last night in my jet lagged state and the experience was annoying. Conveyor belts broken, produce sacks out of stock etc etc. I became irritable. But let’s look at the flip side. I am middle class. I have been educated with many elites and I know a few who are genuinely poor. It is often the poor who are most grateful. I learned that lesson on my first trip to India.

Although I struggled as a writer, yogi and actor in New York, I had jobs that enabled me to pay rent and put food on the table. I was rich, in the grand scheme of things. By North American standards, I was struggling, but I started saving my change from every dollar and putting it away in a little envelope in my lingerie drawer. Once I had a dollar I would swap it and pretty soon I had 700 dollars – the amount you can put into a postal money order and nearly the 1,000 dollars it took to put a girl through high quality boarding school in India. I started taking my lunches and putting the couple of dollars aside that I would have spent on lunch and it really wasn’t long before I had the scholarship money.

And that is how I started my charity to educate young, abandoned girls, in India. From the change from my morning 50 cent cup of coffee, I was able to make a difference. I never would have done it if it hadn’t been for the experience of real poverty, in India.

I am grateful for the gift of perspective that travel has afforded me. I am grateful for the encouragement of my friend Donna Friedman to try to make a difference. And, I am grateful that I have the luxury of plentiful food supply and relatively efficient food delivery systems. I was able to come home with carrots, butternut squash, cabbage, broccoli, pears, beans, nuts, apples, onions, sweet potatoes, leeks, bananas, lentils, rice, potatoes, tomatoes, eggs and chicken. I bought two convenience foods and a little chocolate but my pantry is full of good, nutritious food and I don’t have to worry about my next meal or meals at all, for a few weeks. I have a warm room, warm clothes, and people I love, and people from whom I gain inspiration, both near and far. I am very blessed.

As I have always said, service need not be such big things. Today my service was giving my flatmate an impromptu coaching session and teaching hermsome meditation techniques. This could be a small act of service, but as these things go, the ripples we create in others lives by small acts can be phenomenal.  If you have meditated, you will know the difference it makes in your life – if it is practiced.

It was a joy this morning to awaken from yesterday’s funk to sunshine and blue skies. It has been gloomy in London for over a week and that has impacted upon my mood. As soon as I finish writing this, I will go out and enjoy some of it.

I had a strange experience of Oneness yesterday. There is someone who passed through my life, recently, who had a disproportionate impact on my thinking for the amount of time we spent together. I have been observing and unpacking this experience, wondering at my emotions, responses and the symbolic meaning in it all. Just as I was coming to a point of being able to tie it up with a bow, a deeper meaning revealed itself when I suddenly saw a resemblance between that person and another person from an earlier time in my life. The physical resemblance is striking, but there are so many parallels.

That former person is one to whom I owe a great karmic debt.  A long ago time is suddenly consciously current, and two important people in my life are somehow linked in this cosmic spin. And here, I stand at the centre of this karmic wheel, blessed with another opportunity, in this lifetime, to do things differently.

Then becomes Now and many Futures become possible.

Photo: Michael Hall

Photo: Michael Hall

And so, it remains for me to ask you:

For what are you grateful, today?