Day 1395 – Day 1401
I’ve written about the first, second and a man who I thought might be the third love of my life. All of these were passing romances and while 2 of the 3 remain my friends to this day, there is only one Love of my life.
I met him in London around 2004 although I’d known of him before that. I saw him several times a year for 13 years and then last year, I asked him if he’d have me in his life.
After 14 years of receiving his love, this week, I had to say goodbye to him.
I am deeply saddened. I wanted more time with him. And, I am grateful for every moment I had. When there is true love in our lives – whether that love is agape, erotic, phillial or any other kind of love, it is an ecstatic gift that makes us seem a little mad. We’ve become a culture that consumes and discards. And I’ve known and experienced men capable of consuming someone who loves them and then discarding them. To me, disposable love is madness. A love that last forever? That makes sense to me.
When I started to become close to the man I thought might be the third love of my life, I made a promise to love him forever, no matter what. I made it in good faith. I could not anticipate the way our relationship would unfold. He asked me not to bail on him, and I asked in return that he not bail on me and that he be honest and kind. He broke every promise he made to me, exploited my love, betrayed me and discarded what was left, when he was finished. For awhile, I felt guilty that I could not fulfill my promise to that man. I believe that the way someone behaves towards us reveals their character, not ours. And, I believe that shoddy treatment is no excuse for how we treat our commitments and whether or not we act with integrity.
It was the one true love of my life who helped me see that where there is lack of intention and fraud – even where that fraud is a love fraud – our agreement is considered voidable or terminated.
While one man was defrauding me, another patiently loved me for more than a decade – maybe longer.
I am grateful for the love I’ve been given, for the time I had with him and for all that he taught me. It was a joy to see that after taking so long to make the decision that this was “it,” that I was welcomed home, despite my ill considered distractions with men who were unworthy of me. We shared a spiritual path and I intend to make my life an act of service to the path he showed me and to continue the work that he started with me.
He is the embodiment of Love. He remains always and forever in my heart.
He is my teacher. He is the Love of my life, and I am so grateful for him.
For what are you most grateful, right now?