Gratitude, Joy, Oneness, Service, Purpose and Meaning (Day 1153 – Day 1177)
I work above a doctor’s office. In the last few months I’ve noticed there are people sitting outside the office on a regular basis. I ask how they’re doing and greet them as they sit in the lobby and many are really not doing so well. I’ve often thought about the lives of those people who come in and sit in our building’s lobby and the lives they will pick up and live out once they leave the doctor’s office.
This has been a very stressful few weeks, in my life. I was essentially ‘at the scene’ of the first fatal shooting of a police officer in Canada, during 2017. I didn’t witness the crime, but I heard gunshots from a shootout across the street. As I drove back to my office, I had to stop twice for oncoming police vehicles heading to the scene. I think that one of those vehicles contained the two police officers that were shot on the scene, and the one who died there. I can’t help but think about how quickly life changes.
Two weeks ago a family member called me to come over and when I arrived, it was apparent that the ambulance was needed to take them emergency, where they stayed for the next week. While they were in hospital, I had to juggle care for their dependent, caring for them in hospital and to some extent, taking on some medical advocacy. While this was happening, family was squabbling and people at a distance were arguing with me the facts of what was unfolding before me, as if they knew better than the people who were there, handling the issue. I became very direct and not willing to be manipulated.
I remembered how this happened when my mom was dying and when I lived through the terror of 9/11 in Lower Manhattan. When bad things happen, the bullsh*t becomes apparent.
I had a spiritual teacher talk about those in their 20s and 30s who waste their energy being deceptive and caring about things that really don’t matter. As you get older, she said, we become more honest and authentic. What anyone else thinks about us loses its importance, with years. It happens, she said, because we no longer have the energy we once had to juggle so much bullsh*t. If people could learn this in their youth, they’d have much more energy to make positive change in themselves, and thereby, the world.
My teacher wasn’t entirely right. We can, if we have the energy to do so, continue to worry about things that have no importance in our life, right up until the day we die. It is only when we gain wisdom about what really matters that we stop giving energy to that which does not.
A lot of wisdom is gained when bad things happen. I’m grateful that I am clear about what matters to me and I’m grateful that I know that I try to do the right thing and can look myself in the eyes in the mirror with a clear conscience. I learned early in life that cultivating a life of integrity was far more important than a life of wealth and I’m grateful to Harvey for teaching me this piece of wisdom. I’m grateful to my younger self for taking that lesson and applying it throughout my life.
It has been a very stressful time since I last wrote my gratitude journal. But I have always said that it is in times of crisis that we often find that for which we are grateful rises to the surface. In the wake of thousands of people dying in the twin towers, it was the community of my apartment building, the camaraderie of friends and the selfless sacrifice of first responders and carers that shone through and brought New Yorkers together. It is in the darkest ash that we can see the diamond. And so it is with gratitude. We are not grateful because life is good. Sometimes bad things happen, but we can still be grateful for the good things in our lives.
In the midst of some stressful times, I performed music for the first time at an international festival. We played only 3 times with the Music on Mains All-Star brass band but I really listened deeply during the final performance to the score that James Maxwell had written for the festival and it was a joy to be a part of bringing that beautiful sonic landscape to life. A person who had been with us throughout rehearsals remarked that she teared up when she heard us perform, and when I listened to us play our final time, I felt the same. There is a real communion to playing music together and that Oneness, like all moments of communion, is truly moving.
My service over these past few weeks is self evident and, to be fair, now that the crisis has passed, I’m exhausted. Whenever I’ve had a few moments to myself in the car, I’ve been listening to podcasts by the shaman Christina Pratt and she spoke, in one of them, about this place where I find myself after the fire. Despite the crises, I’m lost, and I’m allowing myself to ride the crises even as I let myself stay lost. To pick up old patterns would be self-defeating. This is a time of transition and when bad things happen, it helps reveal our old beliefs and our former structures of relating and ways of living our lives. But with crises comes a clarity of purpose that helps us to choose what we will keep and what we will leave behind. I am certain of one thing now: I will take no belief or structure with me that does not help me to live every day serving my soul’s purpose in a meaningful way.
For what are you most grateful?