Gratitude, Joy, Oneness, Service, Purpose and Meaning (Day 1025 – Day 1045)
I haven’t been writing much lately. I am in a very potent period of change following my spiritual retreat(s) and I’m expending most of my energy on making the changes that will set in motion the things I want to see come to pass. I can’t really explain why this is a potent time, without going into the details of the mysteries of mysticism, so I will just say that the window of most potent opportunity is open right now and remains open for the next few weeks. I am conserving my energy for the important shifts and transformation that is happening right now and so I’m not going to be writing much for the moment.
What has been happening within my heart is showing itself in surface activity but under that surface, the transformation is profound. I have been working on healing injuries not from 6 months ago but from decades ago. I am committed to this process.
In the course of my work, I have noticed that my heart feels like a closed temple. When I talk to friends who have known me for decades, it is concerning to them to hear me say this. It may not appear this way to an outsider, but I cannot feel love in my heart, right now. For someone whose spiritual path is love and who has worked decades to open their heart, this is like being a member of the walking dead. And so I am spending all my available energy to address this in seemingly unrelated activity.
We had a bank holiday for Canada Day and I was at Whistler. I sat on the lawn in the Olympic park and listened to Vancouver Symphony Orchestra play Bizet’s Carmen, watching the sun setting behind the Coastal Mountain Range. In that moment, I was awe-struck with joy. My heart felt the love of the glorious place where I was, for this beautiful planet that gives us life, despite how we mistreat her. It was the first time in possibly a year that I had been overcome with the awe of joy.
Other things helped to close my heart again in that very same day, but the closure is not permanent, and I can see a tentative opening happening. This week, as I was driving home after a hike, I saw the nearly full moon rise above the sublime Cascade mountains and I felt the awe of creation and the joy of that moment. It is in moments like these that I feel that I can die, contented.
Spending time in nature and taking action to prove that I mean to change my life has begun to allow me to witness moments of Oneness and joy – and dare I say? – love, again.
I am grateful for the teachings and the tools that I have learned throughout my life to open my heart and while it has taken a longer time than it has in the past to heal from a current wounding, I can see progress. I am grateful for the loving spiritual community that I have found around me who I support in working on their own healing and who support me in working on mine. They don’t know what I need to heal and they don’t need to know. It is enough that they know that I am striving to live my life’s purpose and that I will live in alignment with common values of integrity and responsibility. And as everything impacts everything, being a part of this healing community is my service to the Oneness that is – in my cosmology – the Divine.
To be of service to the Oneness, I must be able to feel Oneness. After the heartbreak of the end of last year and the devastation it left in my heart, it was hard to feel oneness and joy. I am grateful for that taster these moments in nature are providing me. Where human relationships can fail us and devastate us, the Oneness we find in nature can be a salve.
Last week, I had a conversation with the young man who brought so much pain into my life. Afterwards, I noticed that I could not meditate on love and feel that love in my heart. I am an introvert – when we feel hurt, we shut down. But that is not a life sentence.
In any moment we really have only two choices: Love and fear.
At some point, love will devastate us. It takes nothing to lock away our love and throw away the key. It takes incredible courage to open up that chamber, after we have been deeply wounded.
It may take a few more archaeological digs and practical changes to clear out the fear that is keeping me from acting from Love. But there is meaning in the task. Buried in the rubble of old pain, old wounding and old beliefs is a beautiful jewel more glorious than anything else in this world: the loving human heart.
For what are you most grateful, right now?