Gratitude, Joy, Oneness, Service, Purpose and Meaning (Day 921 – 1090)
It may appear as if I have not posted in 6 months. This is not the case. Regular readers will know that every few weeks, I have returned to this website to do what I promised to do – to write about gratitude in both the joyful and painful times. I found gratitude, joy, Oneness, purpose, and service in my life and by the way I processed life’s events, I have attempted to find meaning. It has been a painful 6 months, but I have fulfilled my promise, and I trust that those who needed to find some solidarity in what I wrote in 2017 have already found their way to this website and have taken what they needed from the experience.
In Economics, contracts are only fair if there is no information asymmetry between parties. Of course, economic theory is based on human behavior. We know that this principle is true in our most personal relationships and so it stands to reason that the principle holds true at a wider level. I’ve been processing a very painful, quick, sudden and complete ending of a relationship, without the benefit of any answers, the opportunity to ask my questions or even to be heard. Neither have I been given a chance to work thing out, nor the chance to say a loving and complete goodbye. I am in limbo. I have waited and I have given the benefit of the doubt. Eventually, we have to emerge from the fog and accept that we may never get the closure we were promised and make whatever peace we can with living in a state of incomplete information and make space in our baggage for what may always remain an unresolved relationship. Life is subject to change, but so far, we have not had the private dialogue that I needed, in order to move on with dignity. In the absence of that, I know that my public words, here, have provided him with the very healing opportunity that I have wanted and needed. And while I always want to do whatever I could to facilitate the healing of someone I have loved, I am painfully aware of being in a state of information asymmetry and the unfairness of the position in which this places me.
I will never be able to fully resolve this, alone, but I choose to let go, of what is done, with love. And so, I have let all my posts disappear.
I’m grateful to all my readers who have witnessed my journey through the fog, thus far. I am grateful that my words touched friends and strangers alike. Today I am grateful to see the sunshine, aware that spring weather in the PNW is just a few days away. It is a joy to see the sun after so many days of rain and snow that can cause us to draw inward. When our hearts have been damaged, we will also draw inward and not want to connect with others. And, so Oneness remains something of a challenge for me but in the past few weeks I have reached out to friends who are struggling and I’ve been able to connect with them in supporting them in their time of need. Sometimes, the best way to lift our hearts is to help another who is in pain. Although I’ve written those (now, phantom) posts in service to those who may have found solace or inspiration in my words, I’ve struggled to write these past 6 months. I haven’t written much, but what I have written was very raw, very personal and very deep. I am content that I have acted with integrity and that I upheld our dignity and privacy in sharing my journey, focusing on me and on what was being triggered for me and how I might live gratefully through a terrible time. But truly, in pain, I am a most private person. If one good thing has come of this time, it is that I have taken my unwillingness to commit my darker emotions to words, and I have poured the depth of my private thoughts and feelings into a non-verbal art form. Without formal training as an artist, I have been able to share my heart through painting. I have created some beautiful pieces, some playful pieces and pieces rich with meaning. Painting has opened up a new world to me and I have been able to offer beauty back to the world. In that, and in the writing of those (now, phantom) posts, I have remained on purpose.
I have always had a special kinship with the archetype of Persephone who rises from being a captive of Hades, in Springtime. We’ve spent a winter in hell, together, and while the Spring hasn’t fully arrived, I’m truly grateful to see the sun again, today.