Gratitude, Joy, Oneness and Service (Day 565 – Day 570)
You cannot imagine the number of half finished posts laying in wait in the background of this website. I wonder if musicians and painters and entrepreneurs have a graveyard of ideas that went nowhere. I have a half finished film script, two half finished novels a half finished play and countless other bits and pieces floating in the purgatory that is unfinished business.
Not everything in life is meant to be finished.
I have never been one to espouse this philosophy. That unedited documentary footage haunts me – 15 years later. Loose ends have haunted me all my adult life and taken years to resolve. The goodbye I never got to say when my mother died, the unsaid declaration of love to a boy long gone but not forgotten, the unspoken regret of high school pranks that were perhaps borderline bullying. I’ve worked hard to resolve, eulogise, and apologise and tie things up with a nice bow and send it off. Some things, it is good to complete.
But not everything is meant to be finished. Maybe we come around again, maybe the circular concept of time is correct, and what was then is now and will be again.
Maybe we come around again if we just stay open to the circular movement of life and not get set on a linear movement.
Maybe we come around again this lifetime, maybe the next. Maybe not everything is meant to be finished.
My life has been directed by a need to obtain certainty in a world of chaos. Certainty is, of course, an illusion; perhaps the only thing certain is uncertainty. But I have built a career on removing, transferring and limiting uncertainty. It has made me feel ‘in control’.
Maybe the only thing we can control is our action and our response. And even then, we are fleshy blood bags filled with chemicals and neurons that fire almost independently of our will. It takes a lot of self control to choose our actions and our responses.
I listen to lovers argue. I listen to them speak to one another and I think how can we ever hope to connect when we are reacting and projecting all the time?
Where, in this argument, is the love?
This urge to control the chaos that is life extends into the urge to control the other and before we know it, love turns to hate and becomes a self perpetuating cycle of more chaos and pain.
And so we box up our things and divide the dishes and make sure that everything is finished and we are complete. But not everything is meant to be finished.
Some relationships are not meant to be finished. They aren’t meant to be defined. They aren’t meant to be boxed up and tied up with a bow and made complete.
I think about a person I know and admire. I have a friend who is in love or lust or something with him. I once asked about this fantasy and my friend told me: “I want him to be mine. If I knew he was mine, I’d be okay.” I think it was the most frank and heartfelt thing anyone has said to me in a long time and reveals a lot about what so many of us want when we seek out a partner. And it speaks of why so many relationships fail.
Why do we want to own and control the things and the people we love? Uncertainty is painful. In the context of love, we never know if we are loved in return. We never know if our beloved will grow tired or bored of us. We never know if they will die and leave us, bereft, alone. We never know if today, they will just decide not to come home. And so, we try to establish some sense of control over the chaos that can so devastate us.
The last time Love hit me, I felt physical pain when it came time to part ways. The physical pain lasted for months and impacted on my overall health. I really do believe we can die of a broken heart.
So, I get it, I understand why people want to avoid that pain. And when we can’t, don’t we all share that ritual where we gather up the things that remind us of that love…put them in a box, tie it up with a bow and be finished and complete?
To me, if we can, and if we even want to do that, then it is not love. Love never boxes up another soul. Love never seeks to control. There is a reason that Corinthians I is so popular: it speaks of truth.
Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not Proud. It is not rude or self seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in the darkness but rejoices in the light. It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never ends.
Not everything is meant to be finished.
Of all the things in my life that lay in the ethers unfinished, love is the most difficult to let be. I love someone. I love them in a way I have never loved anyone before. This love is helping me to see that it is the question marks in life that light our way into the future and back toward the past as we circle through this and many lifetimes.
It is painful to let the question mark be. We all struggle with chaos and attachment because we believe, most of the time, that we are separate.
I am just at the beginning of this journey. I don’t know how far down this road I can go. I feel the physical pain of attachment, sometimes, and it can be nearly unbearable. Nearly. I hope that I can go the distance and not sabotage myself. I know that there will be times when I get lost along the way, and I hope I can find my way back to the path of that illuminating question mark.
In any narrative, it is the unanswered question that propels us forward, that makes us care, and that adds meaning to our story. It is the uncertainty that fuels the creative spirit and allows new ideas and forms to emerge.
I don’t know if I will succeed, but I have been given a rare opportunity to live with something unfinished and uncertain – even the Universe is asking this of me – and I’m going to try my best to stop myself from trying to put things in a box with a bow.
Because, not everything is meant to be ……
This week, I am grateful for the ‘accidents’ of the Universe that bring us to exactly where we are supposed to be, despite ourselves. I am grateful for my friendship with Addila. She is my soul sister who has embarked with me on a journey to the depths of the soul, despite a world that has become increasingly superficial. She is both the keeper of my soul’s knowing and the reflection for my unanswered question mark. I am grateful for the love in my life without and the unanswered question that keeps me creating and growing every day. It is a joy to see myself grow and change. Even more, I delight in the growth and process of ‘the other’. For me, it is the act of being open to the questions that has allowed me to tap into my creativity. I am learning that it is exactly in the unfinished, that we find a connection to Oneness. I haven’t trusted my inner knowing of this. I am beginning to trust it more. I think that my service is ongoing, and it is staying open to whatever the Universe wants to be born, through the portal of this unanswered question. I am coming to realise that the greatest gift an artist can give to themself – and to the world – is the ability to stay present in not knowing and to live in that space as much as possible. In the unknowing is all the meaning that there is.
For what are you grateful this week?