There are days when we all feel lost in the fog. This was a taxing week. I had good things on my plate, but sometimes even the good things mean that I get depleted. I had to rest yesterday, which frustrated me, as I feel a sense of urgency with a new project that I have never felt, before. I don’t like to have to stop a good thing when it is going well. Like a deer that hears a twig snap in the forest, I am aware that things can take me off course in an instant. I haven’t a clear picture of where I am fully going with this new project but it has sprung forth in a matter of 4-5 weeks and I try not to get bogged down in the destination. I am simply trying to keep pace with the work and the ideas, themselves.
Creative work sometimes looks like chaos. And then focus. And, in my case, then exhaustion and illness. I am trying to shave off the last bit of that equation by just resting. Resting is difficult in the midst of a burst. I am struggling with it. And so, I type this from my iPad, in bed. And I do research in the same way. It’s not exactly rest. But time waits for no one.
I had some great meetings this week. And I did some great work. And I am working on the resting bit. I scheduled in a movie on my iPad yesterday and I knew I would not achieve anything on my to do list until well again. So, I made the to do list anyway. And, I picked some easier tasks.
Okay! I didn’t rest! But I rested more than I had all week. And, as a token, I shall keep this post brief. Time waits for no one, it is true. But, sometimes, for some of us, to maximise the time we do have, we must first rest. Sometimes, it takes days.
And I recognise that being on alert and running on adrenalin is not a long term solution. In fact, for me, it has become a long term ill. I am aware of my reluctance to sit in the gap and do nothing. And so, that is exactly what I shall try to do, for the remainder of the evening.
I am grateful for my self awareness and grateful for the pain that stops me in my tracks and forces stillness of body, if not of mind. I am grateful for the energy around my project, and for the realisation that the project is bigger than me, and so I need to enlist some help to carry it when I cannot. It was a joy to be able to get to the grocery store today and buy milk. Not a very rock and roll lifestyle but when rest is forced, sometimes I get sick of my four walls. I am a bit lost in terms of the shape of things to come, right now. I know we all feel that way, whether it is about a creative project, a new job, a relationship or…whatever. I feel that sense of commonality and Oneness, amongst us all, and it helps me realise that this moment will pass, the pain will go and the fog will disappear. My project is, of course, about service, and so my service has been to begin to consider how it can be carried, when I am not able. Sometimes, I think it is more courageous to face our limitations and build the strategy to keep something going, when we are no longer able to go on, if it is worth keeping. When we allow ourselves to make peace with sitting in the forest, in the fog, inattentive to the snapped twig, we learn the deeper meaning of humility, mortality and legacy.
For what are you grateful, this week?